If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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HEYYYY MACARENA
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
black phone good
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.