Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Harsh but fair
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”