*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
You Might Also Like
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’ve been drinking.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Damn what did I do next
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best