Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
You Might Also Like
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine