Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)