911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”