My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
cat vs inanimate object
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.