I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You Might Also Like
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*sewing*
A thread
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD