me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.