Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
the council will decide your fate
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
he’s doing your taxes
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?