Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird