Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭