You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Breaking news:
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar