I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Heroic Misunderstanding
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Have a lovely day 😊
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’