[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”