“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.