Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Oh hi lol
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.