[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.