[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.