[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.