Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.