Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.