I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week