My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Cha-ching is my safe word
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.