I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house