KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My dress code is business-casualty.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside