Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.