There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Ah..makes sense now
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
This probably isn’t good
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”