How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.