Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
You Might Also Like
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.