If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.