Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over