I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.