tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above