the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My blood type is b hungry.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter