{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
*looks at you in batman voice*
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
thinking about a very short hotdog
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion