My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’m good, thanks.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.