I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You Might Also Like
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m giving up ice.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.