Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
this makes me so uncomfortable
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.