I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
look at me when i’m typing to you
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.