My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
*offers Batman cough drops*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.