I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
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I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Just had my nails done!
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day