I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them