we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*offers Batman cough drops*
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
This is amazing.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her