You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.