Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.