This hospital has everything
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Oh we’ve met.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster