Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Put this video in the Louvre
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.