My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.