IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
And then there were 4